TV Gold: Cheaters

“It’s all fun and games until somebody gets V.D.” - Joey Greco

I’m always perplexed by people who claim not to watch TV.  Of course there are those who just don’t have time, but then there are those who seem to absorb some kind of highbrow pride from telling people they just don’t care for it.  Whatever.

I love Cheaters.  It may not be the most enlightening show, but I have books for that…I’ve read all of mine, but you get my point.  The greatness of Cheaters lies in its ability to never disappoint.  Ever.  You are bound to see the bottom of the belted-leather-jacket-wearing barrel in the most outrageous situations and walk away feeling 100% better about yourself.

Joey Greco: Captain C*ck-Block

The hosts make it funnier.  Joey Greco (is it just me or does he remind you a little bit of Prince?) was the original host, but in a textbook b*tch-move, he got stabbed and decided to punk out and only do commentary as opposed to being in the field.  Kidding.  This dude is a gangster.  It takes a serious set of balls to walk into a complete stranger’s home and start asking them questions.  He hasn’t gone without reprise, though.  The staff of the show have been attacked by people wielding actual guns, semi-automatic paintbull guns and replica katana swords.  This is fact.  No joke.  Just funny.

Funnier than the hosts?  The subjects.  You live in a small town near Fort Worth, TX.  You are cheating on your spouse or significant other.  Why on God’s green Earth are you taking your skeezer to eat at Applebee’s, where all of the other 80 people in your podunk town undoubtedly also eat on the weekends?  Even if Cheaters wasn’t involved, you’re on some special education little-school-behind-the-big-school sh*t.  The excuses are the best.

Actual Excuse:

Him: “Oh, that was my twin.”

Her: “You ain’t got no twin, Ray.”

Pure comedy bottled at the source.  There’s nothing like a formula to rely on to make a show great.  After the jilted man or woman goes so far as to contact Cheaters to track down their lover, they are nine times out of ten surprised at what Joey manages to find.  Do yourself a favor.  Put down that copy of War & Peace you claim to be reading and if you haven’t watched this show, catch it on The CW Plus and/or G4.

TV Gold: College Hill

 

I’m already bracing myself for the hate mail, but punks jump up to get beat down, so type away. 

To be honest, I didn’t watch all of the seasons of College Hill and never took an interest until the Virgin Islands episode where homegirl from the V.I. got beat with a espadrille (!) in her own hood by the hungry-looking girl from LA (that’s west coast for you).  the latest season, filmed in the all-too-conducive-to-higher-learning South Beach, has me in love with this show, purely for its ridiculousness and coming to the grim realization that if I was still at Howard back-slidin’, I would have known someone just like every one of these people. 

Quite simply: Black folks that don’t know each other can’t live together anywhere aside from a dorm, and especially not seven-deep when no one has rent to worry about.  I thought it was just n***alicious that an entire episode of the show was basically The Mystery of the Stolen Ribs.    I was glued to the screen.  As much as people would like to front, you woulda jumped in somebody’s a** too for the same offense…I was hungry the whole time I was watching it.  You gotta at least give them credit for including some kind of positivity, though, since college is about mastering the work-life balance.  The cast visited a museum in Key West showcasing the findings of a crashed slave ship and also gave up a trip out of the country in favor of helping a single mother of two to get back on her feet, providing her with a new fully-furnished apartment.  All this was interspersed with fights (somebody even got mushed, which I loved, and let it slide), flirting, girl-on-girl attraction, and the ongoing antics of Kyle, the most effeminate Black male on TV today (can’t ever really touch the brotha from Revenge of the Nerds or dude from Mannequin) next to Miss Jay from America’s Next Top Model.

That's what I call TV. Crackin' books and throwin' 'bows...the best of both worlds.

Some would like to claim that their Black college experience was 100% enlightenment and positivity like Cornel West was your freshman roommate or some sh*t, but here at The Shaka Shaw Show, we keep it 100% greazy, as I have stated before, so f**k that.  My HBCU experience was roughly 80% ignorance.  Besides that, there was about 10% enlightenment and the other 15% (thanks for the math skills, Dr. Goodlet…took this man’s class twice and had to withdraw both times because I don’t speak or understand patois) was spent in the A building trying to get registered and validated.  Be for real.  You mean to tell me you never got stupid drunk at a club or party during college?  Really?  You never had a beat-a-n***a-with-a-shoe moment?  Either you didn’t attend an HBCU or I didn’t know your lame a**.  Everybody knows college is a time for youthful exuberance and outright debauchery.  The social aspect (making and learning from one’s mistakes) is all part of the college experience and it’s ridiculous for people to expect that just because the show has Black students on it, it should be held to an unrealistic standard just for the purpose of makin’ us look good to Brad & Chad.  A slave mentality if I ever heard of one.  How about we stop worrying about what “others” think about us on TV and just look at it for what it is: Black ENTERTAINMENT Television.  You want news?  There’s always CNN.  You want to watch Eyes on the Prize on a continuous loop?  I’m sure your local PBS affiliate can accomodate you.

By the way, I saw the previews this weekend for the upcoming show Tiny and Toya.  Okay, so who’s over at BET smokin’ that wet-wet?  I suppose the same virtuoso who had the idea for the most visually unappealing show they have aired to date: Keyshia Cole’s The Way It Is. 

Timeout for self-promotion:
Diggin’ the blog? Vote for me please…

TV Gold: Walker Texas Ranger

“Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.” – chucknorrisfacts.com

I truly believe that the funniest movies and TV shows are the ones that are not intended to be funny, but just are.  Chuck Norris’ hugely syndicated Walker: Texas Ranger is one such show.  It’s basically televised a**-kickery on par with the film Roadhouse…terrible in actual quality but excellent at having you die laughing off of unadulterated, not-always-warranted violence.  Tune in just one time and prepare to have your mind blown.  Someone is usually guaranteed to get good and f***ed up before the first commercial break, whether from a patented Chuck Norris ass-whoopin’ or by the myriad of one-dimensional over-the-top criminals who serve as lambs to the slaughter, since Chuck always comes out on top (and miraculously uninjured or even dirty).  And to top it all off, for some reason Walker can be seen on the Hallmark channel…f****ng Hallmark!!!!

The show centers around Cordell (!) Walker (a Black-a** name if i have ever seen one) who is a member of the Texas Rangers, an elite law enforcement agency.  His partner is Jimmy (the most non-threatening name on the planet…see Drake’s character in DeGrassi) Trivette, who (surprise) is from Baltimore and a former Dallas Cowboy (Wikipedia says he “used football as his ticket to college education”…btw Walker’s Wiki entry is funny in itself, check it out.  Look for section titled “Recurring Elements”) and now oddly is a Ranger.  Jimmy’s played by Clarence Gilyard, who seems like the type of brotha to go to Supercuts for a shape-up and Applebee’s for barbecue.  One hilarious staple of the show is the roundhouse kick that Walker delivers as his Mortal Kombat-style finishing move, usually kicking a grown man smooth out of a window.

Formulaic television is underrated.  5 things that are guaranteed to happen on any episode of Walker: Texas Ranger:

1. Someone will get kicked in the face with one (or both…it’s been done) of Chuck’s steel-toed cowboy boots.
2. Token Black sidekick, played by Clarence Gilyard, will need some sort of help, which will of course be administered by Chuck himself.
3. Within the first 10 minutes, someone will be: shot, stabbed, or at least punched in the face.
4. Walker (Norris) will at some point ignore an obvious opportunity to draw his gun and make a normal arrest as opposed to having an impromptu kickboxing match with a gangbanger who suddenly has mastered muay thai.
5. There will at some point be a G.I. Joe-esque “…and knowing is half the battle” moment where Chuck tells some kid not to bully, gangbang or do drugs because Chuck likes a little mature advice mixed in with his mayhem.

They are all smiling because Chuck told them to. There is no other option. Look at his fists.