Gentrification Assimilation Program

Check out www.blackpeopleloveus.com ...hilarious.

Gentrification’s awesome.  But if it’s going to work, everyone needs to be on the same page.  Here are a few tips to help those moving into the not-quite-former hood and those that are already there to help the transition a lot smoother.  You’ll be having the neighbors over for gin & juice parties in no time!

Yuppies Moving Into the Hood:

1. Stop smiling - Phil and Anne might be upset when they see that you scowled in every picture they took of you at the wine & cheese party they had on their wraparound porch last Sunday, but to hell with ‘em.  They don’t understand your struggle.  You’ve got two months of hard livin’ under your belt in your newly renovated townhouse on the “sketchy” side of town.  If anybody asks why you’re not smiling, just respond with “’cause sh*t’s real” and keep pressin’ (translation: “…and then leave”).
2. Take the Cornell bumper sticker off the back of your Saab, fancy boy – No one even knows what the f*ck that is here…the school or the car.
3. Find and Shop at Whole Foods – Unless your regular diet consists of Wonder bread and Goya products pretty exclusively, go to Whole Foods for any frou-frou high quality food urges you might have.  It may or may not be a hike from where you live in the ‘hood depending on how far gentrification has reached in your city, but at least you know you’re not going to get robbed for a grocery bag consisting of hummus, Fiji water, a box of pine nuts and a six-pack of some Ethiopean beer no one in America has ever heard of.
4. Stop flinchin’ – Try not to piss inside of your straight-leg chinos whenever you hear a gunshot.  Chances are if you didn’t steal anybody’s sweatpants money, no one is looking to catch a yuppy body.  We’ve got cable in the ‘hood, so we know killing white people could very well get Mariska Hargitay, David Caruso, or Ice-T showing up at our job asking a lot of questions we can’t answer while we’re trying to unload boxes (aren’t they always way too pre-occupied?). 

In the Hood And Staying There:

1. Upgrade the Hustle – White people love HBO.  White people also watched The Wire, whether they admit it or not.  Standing in the same spot rain or shine to all hours and sitting on top of milkcrates for hours on end could be what gets your whole sloppy a** operation knocked off the map.  They know it’s the crackheads that keep bashing in everybody’s car windows stealing re-writable CDs and jean jackets. 
2. If you must break in, understand that yuppie-valuables are different than ghetto-valuables.  The prized possession in an average ghetto home might be a Playstation 3 or a baseball jersey autographed by all the original members of Guy, while the yuppie’s most prized posession won’t be anything you’ll immediately recognize, like…”who the f*ck is Andy Warhol?…signed copy of Salman Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses?  Hell nah…put that Tivo sh*t in a box and let’s go”. 
3. Upgrade the Weed Supply – White people who smoke usually smoke a quality you can’t obtain in the ‘hood.  That schwag you’ve been pawning off on tourists and your mama’s bingo partners isn’t going to work here.  You need something with a fancy name or from somewhere nice (“yeah, this is called white cashmere, Cannabis Cup winner four years in a row, got it straight from Dubai, b*tches”).  So if you’re gonna sell to the yuppie set, catch a few episodes of Friends so you’re somewhat fluent in corny and make sure your herb game is correct.

And I leave you with the funny…

More Weekend Treats

Little Danny Matherson writes an open letter beginning with “Dear Black People…”

The Token Diaries: The Definitive Guide to Having One (1) Black Friend

"Dude, it's the Juice!"

I went to a predominantly white high school in the ‘burbs.  After this, I attended a historically Black university.  The differences between white people (and not the wannabe-Rasta ones or the Paul Wall/Eminem types) and Black people are tremendous, but those differences are also both hilarious and awesome.  You shouldn’t look at it any other way, which is why this guide is all in good fun, obviously.  The same way I encourage Black people to acquire some white friends is the same way I advise white people to acquire some Black ones. 

Oh, and for an exorbitant fee, you can even hire me as your token for a day.  I’ll be sure to drop a “DAYUM!” unnecessarily into everyday conversation and regularly refer to you as “white boy” if you would like just to assert my authenticity at random intervals. 

1. Hair – Yes, we do need to brush our hair, and no, you cannot touch it.  I don’t know how many times I have been asked whether or not I have to brush my hair and it does not get any less irritating the more often I hear it.  I know it looks like velcro, but you wouldn’t ask a special ed. kid to touch the straps on their shoes, would you?  It feels like it looks and that’s all you need to know.  Do we ask if your hair smells like wet dog when you wet it?  No.  We keep that card close to the vest.  And never, ever touch a Black woman’s hair for any reason.  You may come up a few fingers short if you try it.
2. Politics – Yes, it was safe to assume that the majority of adult Black people you meet voted for Obama or at least just bought a T-shirt.  Nevertheless, don’t assume you know our politics off top.  What kind of question is “so how about that Obama?” to ask a complete stranger?  He was a Presidential candidate, not the Boston Red Sox.  So many times when asked this question by strangers, I was tempted to respond with “that motherf****r owes me $35, so if you see him, you let me know” just to throw them off.  The day after he was elected, I was even getting random grins from white people on the street, like it was National Be-Nice-To-Black-People day.  The patented Ice Cube mean mug was still in full effect regardless.
   

   No, your Black friend probably won't teach you how to dance.

3. Extreme Activities – No, we will not go sky-diving with you.  And you will need at least one more Black participant to get us to go camping with you.  We are not going to end up like Kelly Rowland in Freddy vs. Jason.  Just because we will wear North Faces and Timberlands all winter long (and the North Face fleece in the fall) does not mean we have any experience with the outdoors or that we’ll find it entertaining or relaxing.  Ask us by all means, but don’t be surprised if you get a “hayl t’ the naw” (translation: a vehement rejection). 
4. Beefin’ – Beefin’ is when you get into a grown man confrontation with someone.  Your Black friend may or may not feel the need to get involved.  However, he may just feel like knocking a MF out (Li’l Jon usually does this to us) or feel some sort of loyalty to you, so he may get involved.  If this is the case, he will be the most useful member of the team, especially if the beef is with other whites.  Why?  Because white people tend to assume that we can beat their a**, regardless of physical formidability or actual fighting skill.  I’m 6′ about 150 and have backed down many a large white dude just based on their probably having seen Higher Learning (I’m still mad about Deja) at some point.  You could be toe to toe with 400 pent-up years of a**kickery.
5. Music – Don’t put the Dave Matthews Band and Blues Traveller away just because we hopped in the car with you.  Black people like good music regardless.  Most of what you listen to is derived from Black music anyway, so we can dig it…give us some credit.  Besides, we already played that one lonely Snoop Dogg CD you own 8,785 times in its entirety, so we wouldn’t mind something new.  And yeah, when the eponymous N-word shows up in any song you listen to around us, it would be smart to play it safe and replace it with something like “ninja”.  Ex: “Shame on a ninja who try to run game on a ninja” (courtesy of Ol’ Dirty Bastard…yes you can call him that, it was his name).  It doesn’t sound the same, no, but you don’t have to pick your teeth up like Chiclets afterward and you get to keep the party goin’.
6. Slang – If you must use it, either be ironically old-school with it (i.e. wack, dope, etc.) or be up on the current terminology.  Black people slang differs geographically (don’t bring slang you heard on an east-coast rap song to L.A. and don’t watch Menace II Society and use the slang you learned there in Philly…or at any point really) and it may even differ from person to person as well, so it might be best to just speak normally.  We still understand what you’re saying.  Also, don’t get offended if you get called a “muhf***a”, “fool”, or even a “n***a”.  These can be terms of endearment (just avoid reciprocating that last one).  It’s the same way your dad calls his golf buddies sons-of-b*tches when they have had one too many Tom Collinses.
7. Partying – When Black people hear a boisterous “Whoooooo!” from white people when liquor is involved, we generally find it smart to get the f*** out of dodge, so don’t be offended when we dip (translation: vacate the premises).  We saw that Auburn University bumper sticker on your friend’s truck.  And yes, we appreciate your generosity.  We like free keggers and rounds of drinks on you.  You tend to have to “chip in”, “put somethin’ on it”, or “B.Y.O.B.” (translation: supply your own beverages and/or narcotics…on rare occasions, the second “B” can also stand for b*tches too) at some Black parties.  And no, we won’t teach you how to dance, but we will watch you totally massacre the Souljah Boy and go back and tell our Black friends.  Don’t let our phone have a camcorder function on it.  You might get Youtubed.

Do Better: Dr. Shaw’s Triple H Report – Hood Health Hazards

"That's nasty."

 I’m not a doctor, I’m just sayin’…

1. Strip Club Dining - I don’t even care if it’s just wings.  When attending a booty bar, please do not order any food.  I’m already iffy on the drinks, so I don’t want to see anybody in there with a chicken tender platter goin’ to town.  That is not sanitary.  You should have known that by the Moist-Wipe they handed you with the meal. 
2. Windexing the Pole - Speaking of strip clubs, have you ever been to a strip club and seen the dancer (after picking up piles of nasty-a** ones and re-assembling some of her outfit) grab a bottle of Windex with some paper towels and wipe down the pole with it?   Come on now.  Windex clearly indicates that this is not to be ingested and is not for prolonged contact with the skin.  So is it really a good idea to grind up against the pole and get glass cleaner all up in your cracks and crevices?
3. Dog Diets - Stop feeding your dogs people food.  Know why your pet Rottweiler B.A. Baracus is so damn vicious?  Because you’ve been feeding him collard greens with hamhocks and white vinegar for three months.  Cut that out and get him some kibble or something.  If you can’t afford dog food for the dog, you need to give him away to a nice suburban family…and kindly explain to the Gustafsons why and how a banana Now & Later got stuck in his fur.
4. Ho Baths - I was enlightened about this recently.  Sometimes after sex in a strange place, a woman (who may or may not be a ho) will try to find an opportunity to give herself a half-a** “rinching off”, or basically what should have been a shower so as not to smell like trout on the way home.  Be advised that public restroom soap consists of 80% perfume, 10% soap powder, and the other 10% is water.  This is not for use on the nether-regions.  I don’t even use it on my hands (Purell on deck).  Instead of reading to the end of this paragraph looking for me to suggest an alternative to the ho bath, how about you get your life together and stop doin’ the nasty in strange places?  And when you think about it, there’s really not much of a difference between a ho bath and a homeless bath.
5. Crackhead Shopping Network (CSN) - Please stop buying goods and services from crackheads.  This may not always be a health hazard and I know those prices are rock (sorry, couldn’t resist) bottom, but consider where some of this bullsh*t came from.  Since moving to DC, I’ve had crackheads try to sell me all of the following: weed, cigarettes, Metro cards, lotion, half-empty (yes, I’m a pessimist in this case) bottles of body wash, an open bag of Doritos, toothbrushes, and a 12-pack of AA batteries (this is entirely true and I didn’t even realize how hilarious that is until writing it down just now).  Okay, so I bought the batteries…but once I got the batteries home, I realized the package said “Dualcell” and not Duracell and they had about 60 seconds worth of juice apiece…even after putting those joints in the fridge for a couple of days (you know I did).  I’ve even heard of a car being broken into for a 12-pack of Wild Cherry Pepsi and about 20 burned CDs (I was hella thirsty that day, too…guess crack cocaine is a hell of a drug).  Everybody in the hood from time to time needs a no-strings-attached (and no controllers, power cords, or instruction booklet attached either) $15 Playstation 3.  Just avoid anything you plan on putting in or on your body or near your kids if at all possible.
   

   All the time and energy that went into this could have been spent getting your life together. Note that the rims are still shiny despite the rest of the car.

6. Driving without vital parts of your vehicle – We’ve all driven with questionable tags and suspended or expired licenses.  But make sure you have everything you need to operate your vehicle safely.  My grandfather once had a van where the passenger seat consisted of a milk crate and a LeBaron that needed rope involved in order to hold up the passenger side door.  Oh and that yellowish ceiling lining coming down off the roof  of your Brougham is not good for little Man-Man’s asthma and no, a nap will not fix it.  Get your car fixed! 
7. Weed around the kids – I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been at the gas station or the corner store and been behind a woman with kids who was buying cereal, milk, whatever candy the kid wants, and a strawberry Phillie or two.  First of all, why are you smoking Phillies?  Second and more importantly, you need to at least leave the room or go on the balcony if you’re going to care for children and smoke trees.  Again…not good for Man-Man’s asthma and no, that is not a nap he is taking.  That’s called a stupor.  Now all the cereal is gone and everybody (including you) has school in the morning.  Do better.  

So basically, the diagnosis is…stop doing all of this sh*t and…don’t call me in the morning because I can’t afford the daytime minutes.  Get at me on the Twitter.

Look Here, N***a: Why the N-Word Will Never Die.

 

I need to have this license plate and I don't currently own a car. You know, typical n***a sh**.

Alright, look here ni**as.  Let me just address this once and for all so that no one gets offended in the future by any of my posts and if they do, I can always refer them back to this little masterpiece.  The other day I had somebody use the word “ninja” to replace the word “ni**a” in a (online) conversation.  I had never heard this and thought it was ridiculous.  Is it really necessary among us to censor this?  

Ever since designated special Negroes (definition of this in a later blog, I promise) Russell Simmons and Oprah decided to “place a moratorium” on the N word, people have been p***yfooting (I censored it for good measure, that’s not technically a bad word) around the N word like it’s taboo.  Come on home, people.  That’s right…to pitch-black 40-year-old skillets and table-smashing games of Dominoes.  

Do me a favor…yeah, go ahead and fall off that high horse and break your neck for me?  Cool.  Thanks.

I might say and think the N Word about 47 times a day.  I call my dog a n***a.  I refer to white people as n***as.  I use it in reference to racially diverse groups of gainfully employed people in one place.  Example: “There’s like 100 n***as in line at this Starbucks; let’s go up the block”.  I even refer to the fictional Nintendo Wii version of Tiger Woods as the N Word.  Example: “If this n***a doesn’t make birdie, I’m slappin’ somebody’s mouth.”

There’s no need for a debate because it isn’t something that can be debated.  Debating it actually makes it more negative than it actually is.  If you are one of that special cadre of enlightened Negroes who think you’re above it, then get your shape-up/hair done at Supercuts from now on, throw out every bottle of Lawry’s in your cupboard (all of this is related) and keep it movin’.  Just don’t judge the rest of us.  You only make yourself look like the corny dude from “Risky Business” and nothing can ever come of it.  

The reality is this: those who have decided in the past year or so to stop using the word will just not use the word.  Those who have been using it will continue to use it with added fervor.  End of discussion.

That is, of course, unless you had something to say…see Comments.

The Black People Starter Kit: Part 2 – Avoid At All Costs

So after the first installment, we know what to do to reinforce your Blackness in the event that you went to college and got brand new, don’t watch enough BET or just have a lot of white friends. Now let’s discuss the things you need to avoid at all costs if you are trying to hold on to any shred of Blackness. 

Water (solid or liquid) – Though there are some exceptions, for the most part we try to avoid open water, unfamiliar swimming pools, or snow. It goes back to the days of slavery when slaveowners would tell slaves tall tales about mythical creatures dwelling underwater to keep them from swimming to freedom. To this day, we will have the best outfit on at the pool party and not get into the water above the ankle. Similarly, it is not an odd thing to see a group of Black people at a ski lodge with great-looking, pristine (and unused) ski suits and winter wear. It would be odd to see one of us out there on the slopes, though. Oh yeah, and most sistas would rather eat a baby before getting their hair wet.

Daytime Minutes – We don’t pay for anything we can find a way around. Cell phone companies made it easy for us not to pay them any more than we have to by coming up with paid daytime usage versus free nighttime minutes. I don’t remember the last time I picked up my phone to talk period, let alone during the day! If you are calling a Black person on a Wednesday at about 4 in the afternoon, you had better find a way to text or send a smoke signal if it’s an emergency.

Bill Collectors – Avoiding bill collectors and Rent-A-Center employees is an age-old art passed down generation to generation in the Black community, consisting of intricate phone activity and opening accounts under infants’ names (Little Man-Man is 5 years old with two Civics on lease and little Jada has a Blockbuster account in her name at 2). From an ealry age, Black children learn never to just pick up the phone if you don’t know who it is calling. If a call is truly important, a message will be left, so there is never a need to jump to the phone on the first ring. Then they came out with caller ID and now no one gets their money. Rumor has it that the big blackout they had in New York a couple years back was because Pepco was trying to teach Harlem a lesson.

Bluegrass Music – We may be a music-loving people, an easy way to clear out a check cashing spot in East Oakland is to play some bluegrass music. Though I’m sure the people who create this music have the best intentions, it always sounds like the theme song to a hangin’. We’re cool.

Leaving the Gate Open – I’m not sure what this is, exactly, just don’t do it.

Supercuts – Though the ads you see on buses and billboards might try to tell you that SuperCuts can make anyone look good, do not by any means believe the hype. Unless you want to come out looking like Eddie Winslow, I suggest going to see Craig ‘n’ em at your local could-be-a-drug-depot barber shop and get the usual (black barbers can usually tell how you want it done without asking). Also, the advantage to a black shop is that you can request the “John Legend nappy taper”, the “Robert Townsend Classic” or the “John Salley” and everyone knows what you mean without Google Images.

Milk – I don’t know any Black women who drink milk. Sure, a little milk in your cereal or coffee is common, but a full glass of ice-cold milk in a Black household is definitely an anomaly. I sometimes see white families on TV drinking milk with dinner and it’s absolute insanity in my opinion. Milk with casserole? Really?

The Black People Starter Kit: Part 1 – The Must-Haves

 

There’s a few things we can’t live without as a people. I won’t be surprised if a few of these things end up in the White House this year for the first time. Once Obama’s presidency ends, wouldn’t you love to get your hands on the first hotcomb ever used in the White House? It would go for millions, I’m sure.

Luster’s - Ahh, the benefits of Pink Oil moisturizer. If you have never greased your man’s scalp at some point, ladies, I have to question the validity of your relationship. Fellas, if your lady has not greased your scalp at some point, you need to put your foot down and say “dammit I coulda had a white girl for this!” (these are just jokes, calm down)

Houseshoes - The corduroy houseshoes in black or tan with the back flattened down under the heel. Infinite comfort, no traction whatsoever. Good not only in the house, but anywhere within a 0.5 mile radius of the home.  Wear with tube socks for best results.

“Fruit“ Flavored Beverages (see photo)- They don’t even have to taste like fruit, as long as they’re colorful. Tampico orange drink was a staple at my grandma’s house and I don’t even know what fruit that was supposed to be made from, if any. Remember Dave Chappelle? “Juice? N*gga what the f*ck is juice? I want some drink!!!…Ingredients: sugar, water, purple.”

Ball Barrettes - Various sizes. More colors than a box of Rainbow Nerds. So many unwarranted, overly elaborate hairstyles. Celly Cell, Mack 10, and MC Eiht ruined it for everyone and took it way too far. This was never intended for men.  Fun Fact: In Black neighborhoods, ball barrettes and actual weave can be bought at gas stations, corner markets, and convenience stores, all affectionately known as “the sto’”.

Obnoxious Snack Foods - Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. David Sunflower Seeds…BBQ flavor if they got it. Salt & Vinegar chips. Basically, we like anything that dirties your hands, makes a lot of noise when eaten, or leaves a lingering scent and/or complete mess.

Oprah - Walk into any hair salon and say something bad about Oprah (even something minor…”Oprah’s feet stink”) and see if you don’t get beaten like a rented mule. From “The Color Purple” to the present, Black women have been rollin’ with Oprah from day one. Do not test that loyalty.

 White Ts - This is one of the best things we ever came up with. I mean at what point can you buy four shirts for $20? It’s the most cost-effective style the Black community has ever brought into style. Unfortunately, a man could get shot in the face for spilling some “red drink” on your white T. But wait…I mean, we are the same people who produced George Washington Carver. We also came up with the black T!!!  Designed for evening attire.

Blunts - Sure, it is less healthy than using a bong, pipe, or Zig-Zag, but brothas love the blunts. Dutch Masters. White Owls. Phillies. Swisher Sweets!!!! Something about the tactile experience of rolling the blunt itself makes it a valid life skill for us. I actually took Introduction to Blunt Rolling for a semester at Howard.  You had to work your way up from Phillies to Backwoods.

Daytime Television - Maury Povich is a Black show. I don’t care what anyone says. Seeing a grown man do the Souljah Boy when he finds out he “is NOT the father” confirms it. Remember Ricky Lake? The Richard Bey Show? Sally Jesse Raphael? Jenny Jones? These were all marketed for us.  Don’t even get me started on Jerry Springer.  

Do-Rags/Head Accessories - You don’t even have to have a hairstyle requiring a do-rag to wear one anymore. Remember when everybody had waves, though? I remember in high school, like six dudes would be in class with wooden brushes constantly brushing their hair throughout the entire class. Mine were kickin’ for a while too, but I don’t have the dedication in me to put that much work into it anymore. My arms get tired.  Sidenote.  It isn’t uncommon to see a do-rag coupled with a sweatband, baseball cap, or visor either.  If you see somebody doing this, do me a favor and kick them in the back of the neck for me.

Black Magazines - Did anybody REALLY read Jet? Jet magazine is the single most dangerous item found in a Black home due to sheer quantity. One Jet a month since 1977 is a housefire just waiting to jump off. For the uninitiated, Jet is basically a magazine that gives mostly news about Black celebrities the mainstream media didn’t count.  (“Did you know Peabo Bryson just bought a new house?”) Your grandparents kept Jet in their house, your parents subscribed to Ebony and Essence, and now we have Vibe and Honey and…wait…what do you mean Honey went under? They spent all the money? See, that’s why we can’t have anything nice…

The Lottery - Another way the Man gets our money. I know people who have played (and boast about having played) Lotto twice a week every week since 1983 and only won $75 total since. Think about what that expense could be if it was regularly added to a bank account, accruing interest over time?  Maybe some stocks and bonds?  You know, white people stuff.

Menthols - Newports have got to be the worst-smelling, worst-tasting cigarette ever made. Outside of prison, I really don’t get why people ever buy these, but they are extremely popular.  In addition to the tobacco addiction, you also have the addiction to menthol to deal with. This is why I’m addicted to Carmex now.  I remember this place called Sarah’s Seafood in DC near Howard’s campus where basically you can get a shrimp & fries plate, a pack of Now & Laters, and a pack of Newports, all served with a smile through bulletproof glass.  

Nikes - Bills on the table. Tax season is coming up. Little Man-Man needs braces. New Jordans for the whole family.