Do Better: Trey Songz

 

Everybody wanna be from Cali...

Ayo Trey,

I know a lot of fellas out there are a little salty with you over the chest-out pseudo-D’Angelo album cover which they will be forced to see inadvertently every time they’re in their girlfriend’s glove compartment looking for that Gangsta Grillz mixtape.  I’m not mad personally.  Do you.  I don’t buy CDs…neither does wifey.  All about the track-by-track download.  The hook you threw in on “Love For Money” with Willie Da Kid, Gucci Mane, Yung Joc, etc though was straight crack and I definitely respect the mixtape/hip-hop-hook-man grind.  Also appreciate you reppin’ for the skinny dudes.  My beef is this…with the live performances…you’re reachin a little bit, my dude.  I commend anybody who can get onstage or in the studio, do what they love, feed their family and so forth…I’ve never been a hater.  Clear them plates, homie.  My thing is that you have to know your spot on the R&B food chain. 

Warren G: "Damn I miss my Dogg..."

I guess it was the appearance last night on VH1’s Hip Hop Honors tribute to Def Jam that had me feeling some kinda way.  Being from Cali, the song “Regulate” by Warren G and Nate Dogg holds a place dear to my heart and what-not.  I have known it by heart since it came out and I’m just waiting for somebody to be gangsta enough to karoake it with me.  So I definitely had the gas-face on when I saw Warren G come out with you in tow to perform it.  First, Nate Dogg is in a whole other category of singing…not to say anybody’s better than anybody in this case, just that bruh, you are no baritone and it showed.  It was basically like Warren came to do a performance and you were there for karaoke.  Reachin’, my man…reachin’.  And come on VH1…Nate Dogg has had some health issues, but he’s not dead and is still apparently making music.  What up with the replacement?  And was there nobody who was more of a match vocally for the song?  I’d be interested to find out what was up with that.  I need them to know music, but Trey, you been f*ckin’ up for a minute, homie…

2009 BET Awards.  Johnny Gill.  Tyrese.  And Trey Songz?  Come on…I know Tyrese got bumped down a few notches due to Baby Boy (which in my book is one of the most unintentionally hilarious movie of all time) and Waist Deep (yeah, this was just horrible), but he’s still the brotha from the Coke commercial that made it hard for yellow Negroes nationwide to get a date for a couple years.  And Johnny Gill’s strongfaceded self has been giving us hits for a long time (watch Johnny go in on this video…aren’t you scared he’s gonna break something in this?).  So while I wouldn’t call the two other singers “legendary” per se, it’s kinda like an Arena football player being chosen to start in an NFL game.  Slow your role, playboy.  Consider Jodeci…you didn’t ever see Devante or Dalvin jump out there and try to compete with K-Ci or JoJo.  Consider Destiny’s Child…I almost think Beyonce recorded her parts of the songs in a higher volume than the other members, but either way Kelly, Michelle, Farrah, Letoya, LaTavia, LaFawnduh,Florida…none of those heffas in that group ever tried to out-sing her onstage or otherwise.

Everybody knows they used to put Dalvin and Devante's microphones on mute.

I guess in both cases, you have to blame whoever put these shows together for not knowing music well enough to know that neither match-up was really a fit.  That being said, best of luck to you.  Link up with Mario or Ray J or one of those caliber of artists and we’ll talk…or rather my little sister might be able to get with it.

Sincerely,

Mr. Front-Free

PS: And by the way, cuz…if you would…stop making songs like “LOL “…there is no way in hell any grown man is putting a song with that name in his iPod and no way in hell anyone will be bumpin’ that a year from now.  Like I say to all new R&B artists, let’s keep the disposable music to somewhat of a minimum and put a little more thought into creating classics.

Light-skinned Credit

*Sigh* What iz we gon' do...?

Light skin vs. dark skin has been an issue of heated debate in the Black community for ages and frankly, it’s a debate that’s irritating just based on the obvious futility of arguing about it.  Yes, everyone should teach their children to be proud of who they are and the way God made them.  Are you going to be able to convince an adult that they’re wrong for liking what they like?  Doubtful.  I’ve seen it on Tyra like 67 times.  Worst-case scenario, that idiot ends up going through life having missed out on a lot of great opportunities while the rest of us mix up our peanut butter, caramel, butter pecan, cafe au lait, chocolate and all that good sh*t freely.  Of course there are really light-skinned women who don’t want to hook up with a light-skinned man in case their kids come out looking like Lego people and especially dark-skinned people who want to be able to see their kids in the dark, so they carry their mental brown bag test wherever they go.  One hundred times more f**ked up and the worst part of it is that they try to blame it on society and the “adversity” their kid would have to face.  Seriously?  I think the kid will survive.  This beige movement is relatively recent as the races have commingled more regularly in recent years, Army brats and so forth.  Do you know how long people have been ashy Black, nappy, and happy as hell?  Ages.  In my day, anybody who was especially light or especially dark was just really good at the dozens in case anybody tried to go in on the way they looked.  Same for kids who were especially fat, skinny, bowlegged, pigeon-toed, etc. 

What really bothers me is what I call “light-skinned credit“.  I never knew much about the light-skinned/dark-skinned mentality growing up in northern Cali, or at least wasn’t as affected by it.  I assume this was partially because I was used to a lot of the time being the darkest person in the room just because I was Black (“No, Becky you cannot touch my hair).  Then I came to Howard and everything was made clear.  People either consider me light or some variation on “caramel” or “peanut butter”.  I wasn’t aware my skin tone needed to be categorized into candy bar ingredients (nougat, anyone?), but apparently so.  The association with “light” just made anything arrogant I said that much more arrogant and anything elitist I said that much more elitist.  For me, that’s saying a lot.   

Light-skinned credit is when you see someone from afar or even have someone light-skinned described to you physically and you automatically assume the person is attractive.  When someone is describing someone light-skinned, the decidedly ign’ant tend to use the word “light-skinned” in a way that most people would say “she volunteers to visit the elderly on weekends”.  On the flipside, you can’t just describe an attractive dark-skinned person as just “dark”, it’s gotta be “mocha-complected” or “chocolate”.  What’s wrong with just “dark”?  Clearly, we have been programmed by others and by ourselves (pointing fingers only casts blame on people it doesn’t really affect) to think of black as negative….look how far we have pulled away from the term “Negro”.  I love the word, but using it is a good way to get a white guy cut because we no longer identify with it.  So someone is light-skinned…who cares?  Ugly comes in all shades and so does beauty. 

The bottom line is this: let’s stop getting mad over this nonsense.  The intelligent people who are secure within themselves and think progressively can appreciate all shades of the diaspora (“ashy” is not a shade, so get your Ambi on) and do so, living open-minded and colorful lives.  Those who don’t throw light-skinned parties and get put on blast for being supremely ignorant.  There will always be those who perpetuate ignorance and those who move forward, so let’s put more energy into that forward motion as opposed to babysitting the feeble-minded and hopping up every time somebody displays the ignorance regarding our skin color that we all know is still alive and well.  Stupid is as stupid does.

Do Better: Urban Fast Food

Maybe at a Denny's you might expect basic sentence structure, spelling, and proper grammar.

There’s almost an obligation to put money back into the ‘hood whenver possible.  I say almost because then you realize you work hard for your money and aren’t just going to put up with anything when spending it.  We all love those little carry-out (or “curry-out” if you live in DC) spots and ghetto eateries that are well-known locally, but this article is more to address the fast food franchises you find in the ‘hood.  We can complain all we want about the Asian-or-Arab-owned-and-operated businesses in our communities until we’re blue in the face (more from blue raspberry  Slushee bought from said business than from exasperation), but how about we run our own franchises well before worrying about people who actually own and operate successful, efficient businesses of their own?  Baby steps.

A few things that you are bound to encounter in an urban fast food spot:

1. Something is always broken or they are just “out” [see image above] – In and around Temple Hills, MD (right outside of Negrolicious southeast DC) I have encountered fast food restaurants running out of meat, chicken (KFC: “all we got is sides”…true story), barbecue sauce (after purchasing a 10-piece nugget…this outage is probably because most Black people prefer barbecue sauce…but then you would think they would just have more in stock…yeah, that’s white-people thinking), and a broken soda machine.  I even went to one that had food to make anything I could possibly order there, but the computers were down and no one could fathom the math that would allow me to leave $5.00 for $4.50 worth of food and keep the change.  He must have taken Professor Goodlet’s math class too.
2. Everybody hates their job – I know, boo, it’s rough.  Coming home smelling like a cookout minus the fun (and liquor) is not easy.  I’m not asking you to grin from ear-to-ear (you don’t know me like that), but please don’t act like I came here to bother you when I just wanted to indulge some late night munchies.  I don’t recall pulling you into Burger King by the ear and making you fill out an application (that was your mama who was sick of you sitting home watching Maury Povich all day), so why the attitude?
3. I know you can’t exactly have a no-bums policy, but… – Can you please, as a manager of a business, ask the homeless man sleeping in the kid’s Playland area to wake up and leave?  That would be splendiferous.  Oh, and the congregation of winos with the chess tournament going on in the back can go too, while you’re at it.  Thaaaaanks.
4. Special locations – The most special McDonald’s location I have encountered is the one on Howard’s campus on Georgia Avenue.  It is open 24 hours and is the first McDonald’s I have ever heard of dispensing strawberry soda as one of the fountain drink options.  I sh*t you not.  Any given Friday after the clubs have let out, you are guaranteed to find the floor chock full of abandoned remnants of weave, sequins from cheap Forever 21 tops, vomit (it’s going to happen at some point), Dutch wrappers, and at least one fake Tiffany bracelet or component of one.  The front parking lot is bound to look like the video for “Ruff Ryders Anthem”: ex-cons, pit bulls, bike groupies and motorcycles galore.  Not a family restaurant between midnight and 5am…more like watching the entire movie Biker Boyz in the time it takes to order a nugget meal.
5. High Turnover – I have never seen the same employee twice at many hood fast food spots.  These positions seem to change on a weekly basis.  The only one who usually sticks it out for the long haul is the African dude with the short-sleeved dress shirt and gold bracelet who manages the place (and probably owns the franchise itself but is too cheap to hire a manager).  The rest of the staff are always interchangable due to the following: jail, deportation, and of course the good old fashioned “f**k it” attitude that keeps people from being reasonably responsible with showing up to work and actually doing the job.  There’s also always the employee who curses out the manager and gets fired for the purpose of getting that unemployment check: “What you mean I can’t do my nails at the counter?  I still gotta apply the second coat!  Ain’t no customers in here right now, damn!  I’m out this b*tch!”

*sigh* Do better…I’m tired of driving to Alexandria just to have some Wendy’s.

Do Better, DC: Marion Barry

Marion Barry still looking decidedly crack-ish...how much would that Bluetooth go for on the street?

I blame DC for even allowing this clown to function as a human being and for allowing him to represent Black DC ( Ward 8 ) specifically in any shape, form, or fashion. 

I vaguely remember the initial drug possession case in 1990, when Marion Barry was caught on camera smoking crack.  I was a kid living in Northern California at the time, so obviously the situation wasn’t as tangible to me as it would be to someone living here or someone who actually had an idea at the time of what crack was.  It wasn’t until I moved to DC in 2000 that I found out that he had been re-elected to city council in 1992 and was re-elected mayor from 1995-1999.  He is currently a Ward 8 Councilman and the subject of continued controversy and drama. 

Future DC councilman? Mayor? Who knows at this point.

The support of this man is both amazing and disgusting.  I recently read that he was chosen in 2007 to be one of 50 wax figures to appear in DC’s Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum by DC residents and tourists…mind you this was a contest against other public figures like Oprah, Halle Berry, Cal Ripken, and Nancy Reagan.  Really, DC?  Really?  One word: CRACK.  Not coke.  CRACK.  You actually hear stories today from people saying how they did a lot of coke in the 70s or smoked a lot of weed in college.  You don’t hear anybody talking about their golden days of rock-smoking.  There are no success stories: think of Pookie, Gator, Halle Berry in Losing Isaiah, the cheeseburger crackhead in Menace II Society…we have the templates for failure available at your local Blockbuster for review.  So why would the mayor of a major metropolitan city gain any kind of support after getting caught smoking crack?  On camera, no less?  Why not start a campaign to elect Tyrone Biggums to DC mayor once Fenty is out?

 I refuse to buy into the idea that the Black community in DC can “relate” to Barry’s case.  That’s just dumbing ourselves down.  This sh*t is embarassing.  We can do better.  What topped it all off for me (before the recent stalking charges: Read the article in Washington City Paper) was his opposition to a bill to recognize same-sex marriages in DC that were performed in other states.  It’s one thing to say you don’t believe in gay marriage.  He’s an idiot and his brain is crack-addled, so that doesn’t surprise me.  But to say it is against your “moral compass” (lmao) and then to speak for the Black community as a whole is despicable.  Barry claimed that if the bill was passed, “all hell is going to break loose…we may have a civil war.  The black community is just adamant against this”.  Look here, Cracky…the Black community right now is concerned with making it through this recession with jobs intact…no one has time to be concerned with people we don’t know marrying other people we don’t know…at least not to the point of a “civil war”.  On top of that, Black DC is heavily gay.  I’m from the San Francisco Bay Area and have still never met as many gay Black men and women as I have since moving to DC, so that argument smells of horse sh*t. 

Do better, DC…

 

Jimmy Crack Corn: "The b*tch set me up!" He's lightin' that stem like an old pro, though.

Do Better: Dr. Shaw’s Triple H Report – Hood Health Hazards

"That's nasty."

 I’m not a doctor, I’m just sayin’…

1. Strip Club Dining - I don’t even care if it’s just wings.  When attending a booty bar, please do not order any food.  I’m already iffy on the drinks, so I don’t want to see anybody in there with a chicken tender platter goin’ to town.  That is not sanitary.  You should have known that by the Moist-Wipe they handed you with the meal. 
2. Windexing the Pole - Speaking of strip clubs, have you ever been to a strip club and seen the dancer (after picking up piles of nasty-a** ones and re-assembling some of her outfit) grab a bottle of Windex with some paper towels and wipe down the pole with it?   Come on now.  Windex clearly indicates that this is not to be ingested and is not for prolonged contact with the skin.  So is it really a good idea to grind up against the pole and get glass cleaner all up in your cracks and crevices?
3. Dog Diets - Stop feeding your dogs people food.  Know why your pet Rottweiler B.A. Baracus is so damn vicious?  Because you’ve been feeding him collard greens with hamhocks and white vinegar for three months.  Cut that out and get him some kibble or something.  If you can’t afford dog food for the dog, you need to give him away to a nice suburban family…and kindly explain to the Gustafsons why and how a banana Now & Later got stuck in his fur.
4. Ho Baths - I was enlightened about this recently.  Sometimes after sex in a strange place, a woman (who may or may not be a ho) will try to find an opportunity to give herself a half-a** “rinching off”, or basically what should have been a shower so as not to smell like trout on the way home.  Be advised that public restroom soap consists of 80% perfume, 10% soap powder, and the other 10% is water.  This is not for use on the nether-regions.  I don’t even use it on my hands (Purell on deck).  Instead of reading to the end of this paragraph looking for me to suggest an alternative to the ho bath, how about you get your life together and stop doin’ the nasty in strange places?  And when you think about it, there’s really not much of a difference between a ho bath and a homeless bath.
5. Crackhead Shopping Network (CSN) - Please stop buying goods and services from crackheads.  This may not always be a health hazard and I know those prices are rock (sorry, couldn’t resist) bottom, but consider where some of this bullsh*t came from.  Since moving to DC, I’ve had crackheads try to sell me all of the following: weed, cigarettes, Metro cards, lotion, half-empty (yes, I’m a pessimist in this case) bottles of body wash, an open bag of Doritos, toothbrushes, and a 12-pack of AA batteries (this is entirely true and I didn’t even realize how hilarious that is until writing it down just now).  Okay, so I bought the batteries…but once I got the batteries home, I realized the package said “Dualcell” and not Duracell and they had about 60 seconds worth of juice apiece…even after putting those joints in the fridge for a couple of days (you know I did).  I’ve even heard of a car being broken into for a 12-pack of Wild Cherry Pepsi and about 20 burned CDs (I was hella thirsty that day, too…guess crack cocaine is a hell of a drug).  Everybody in the hood from time to time needs a no-strings-attached (and no controllers, power cords, or instruction booklet attached either) $15 Playstation 3.  Just avoid anything you plan on putting in or on your body or near your kids if at all possible.
   

   All the time and energy that went into this could have been spent getting your life together. Note that the rims are still shiny despite the rest of the car.

6. Driving without vital parts of your vehicle – We’ve all driven with questionable tags and suspended or expired licenses.  But make sure you have everything you need to operate your vehicle safely.  My grandfather once had a van where the passenger seat consisted of a milk crate and a LeBaron that needed rope involved in order to hold up the passenger side door.  Oh and that yellowish ceiling lining coming down off the roof  of your Brougham is not good for little Man-Man’s asthma and no, a nap will not fix it.  Get your car fixed! 
7. Weed around the kids – I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been at the gas station or the corner store and been behind a woman with kids who was buying cereal, milk, whatever candy the kid wants, and a strawberry Phillie or two.  First of all, why are you smoking Phillies?  Second and more importantly, you need to at least leave the room or go on the balcony if you’re going to care for children and smoke trees.  Again…not good for Man-Man’s asthma and no, that is not a nap he is taking.  That’s called a stupor.  Now all the cereal is gone and everybody (including you) has school in the morning.  Do better.  

So basically, the diagnosis is…stop doing all of this sh*t and…don’t call me in the morning because I can’t afford the daytime minutes.  Get at me on the Twitter.

Do Better: Black People Books

Let me begin by saying that reading is fundamental and that I’m proud of anybody who picks up a book for the purpose of leisure.  I don’t get to do it as much as I would like to, granted, but I also don’t read garbage.  On any bus, train, security desk in the lobby of your job, hair and/or nail shop or DMV waiting area, you are likely to find at least one sista reading a book with a title like “Forever A Hustler’s Wife” and “More Drama In The Church” (which are both sadly actual books). 

Part of Actual Synopsis of “The Dopeman’s Wife” by JaQuavis (!) Coleman (found at www.blackexpressions.com):

“Once the streets pull you in, they own you. Or at least that’s the way it’s been for Nautica. Growing up in the ‘hood, all she’s ever known is the fast life—fast money ill-gotten through scandals and relentless scheming…It isn’t long, though, before she falls in with Manny, a drug kingpin, who sweeps her off her feet. He promises to marry her and make her “Queen of the Street.” …”

Come on y’all.  Can we do better than spending our hard-earned cash to buy books documenting fictional events you could probably see down at the local check-cashing spot for free?  We can’t complain about the thug-baby-daddy and loudmouth-hoochie-mama stereotypes we see in mainstream media until we discontinue consuming these images of ourselves.  Do you really think TV and film execs don’t look at Black consumption of other media to determine what we want to see on the big and small screens? 

Someone once told me that their favorite book of all time was “The Coldest Winter Ever” by Sista Souljah.  One of many comments that could really cause me to have an aneurism on the spot.  Out of all of the literary masterpieces ever written and still available on the market, you mean to tell me that your favorite book of all time is “The Coldest Winter Ever”?  I assume this comes from having read all of about six books in one’s lifetime, one of those being Harold and the Purple Crayon and another being One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.  But I digress.  It’s important to open one’s horizons to more than what’s right outside your own window and stories centered around people you know and wish you didn’t.  I’m about being part of the solution at all times, though, so listed below are just a few different books that I think everyone should read or have already read (or at least put on your bookshelf “for show” when dates come to visit…try to impress somebody) before picking up another one of these chitlin’ circuit paperbooks which aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on.  If you are well-read outside this genre and choose to read them for entertainment value, then kudos to you, read what you want, but to those who think Zane is one of the greatest writers of our time, we’re gonna have a little come-to-Jesus and maybe we can “he’p” ya.  So now maybe we can get into some grown-up conversations at all the cookouts, fish fries, and barbecues this summer…

General

1. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald (“Gatsby” has nothing to do with guns)
2. The Divine Comedy – Dante’s Inferno (that is Don-tay, not Dee-on-tay)
3. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck (“Spill some liquor, mayne, who got some tissue?”)
4. Anything by Ernest Hemingway or William Shakespeare (some of these might initially seem a little dry, but you never know when having stuff like this under the belt can come in handy or with who…the key to successful networking and making connections outside your immediate social circle: know something about everything and everything about something”)

Black

1.  The Souls of Black Folk by W.E.B. Dubois
2. Black Boy by Richard Wright
3. The Autobiography of Malcolm X (if all you know from the movie is “get your hand outta my pocket!” and the fateful conk-in-the-toilet scene, then pick up the damn book)
4. Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass (you know…dude with the Mr. Glass parted ‘fro from Unbreakable)
5. Succeeding Against the Odds by John H. Johnson

This is an ongoing movement away from the bullsh*t, so let me know any more must-reads you might have from any genre besides “urban” fiction.

If you don’t see the problem, then you’re probably a part of it…