Are You Serious?: Sammy Sosa

Doesn’t she know zombies are generally flesh-eating?

Dear Sammy,

So who just wakes up one day and decides to become Dan Lauria from Wonder Years?

You need your a** beat.  I mean…I’m Black and you were blacker than me, skin-wise.  Now it looks like you’re trying to not only pass the brown-paper bag test, but also the manila-folder test, the french vanilla test, the the pina colada-flavored Slushee test, I could go on.  I know you speak Spanish and come from the Dominican Republic…you don’t speak “jive” and come from Detroit.  I know you identify more with Goya products than Lawry’s Seasoning Salt.  I know that to you, Dominican Lou is a blood relative and not a Tracy Morgan character.  All that is cool, but…skin rejuvenation?  You’re not even the first person to try and pull of this foolishness.  And to act surprised about the reaction?  Racial issues aside, you look like the living dead! 

Dominican Lou's take on it: "I don't know Papi!"

This is some old school self-hate sh*t.  Back before we had BET and JET Beauty of the Week, before Kiki Shepard and Tyler Perry movies.  Before we had a plethora of good-looking Black people in the public eye, on the big screen and on TV, in all their beige, caramel, chocolate, and blue-black glory.  Naps and perms, weaves and dreads.  It’s all beautiful.  So why in 2009 is Sammy Sosa (without the vitiligo excuse) brightening his skin?  Mental slavery…some folk just don’t wanna be free.

 

 

And yes, we know you’re Spanish-Black and all, but… 

Rhythm & BBQ

No doubt in my mind that this BBQ spot (Mr. Spriggs) is the sh*t in Oklahoma City, solely based on the song.  I love this!  Now I want a styrofoam box with some beef brisket, links, ‘tater salad, and that delicious wheat bread that comes with any real BBQ meal…you know, half-soggy from barbecue sauce and what-not.  Shout-out to Everett & Jones BBQ in the Bay Area, CA, Kenny’s BBQ in D.C. and Virgil’s in NYC.  Y’all can front if you like, but if I die from eating BBQ, then I’ll go out with a smile on my face.

Something that jumped out at me: in looking for Kenny’s BBQ in DC online, I found a review site which included the following review:

“The food is great and quick. If you live on the NE side of Capitol Hil it’s the perfect place to pick up dinner on the way home. Absent perfect weather (during which you can avail yourself of the patio) I would recommend eating at home as there is not much space and some of the patrons coming through might best be described as ‘rough around the edges’ and may not make the best dinner companions.”

This was from somebody named “Bill”.  Interesting.  I can’t get totally mad because there are some rough folks in DC in general.  But like they say, if you’re scared, go to church.  We don’t need your business.  The spot itself is a little rough and I’d rather eat in the comfort of my own home as opposed to most places, but personally, if I can’t feel safe around my own people, who can I feel safe around?  Oh, that’s right…yuppies.  To Bill, if you want BBQ and soul food without the Negroes, you need to be trying to track down Paula Deen.

Damn, I miss the Bay. Everett & Jones BBQ...no talking, just eating.

Cease & Desist: Obama Paraphernalia

Seriously?

I completely understand and sympathize with all of the hoopla surrounding our first African-American president, believe me.  I was wildin’ out on U Street in DC with everyone else on Election Night too.  I also understand some people’s need to wear their political affiliations and ideas proudly on the clothes they wear.  No beef there.  The beef is that some of this stuff is getting a little bit worse for wear.  It’s been a year!  There’s a reason you only see those Essence Festival ‘98 T-shirts when it’s time to mow the lawn or wax the car…these items have a shelf life that is considerably shorter than anything you would buy in your local department store…or for that matter, anything you would buy indoors. 

Oh yes...yes they did.

Mitchell Rose is a former professional boxer known for knocking out Butterbean at Madison Square back in ‘95.  He’s also known for a brawl with Mike Tyson at a club called Sugarhill in Brooklyn which resulted in a $66M lawsuit (what is Mike’s issue with dudes named “Mitch”?).  In 2001, he tried to sue Jay-Z for stealing his rap style after handing Hova his demo tape.  Mitch also wrote an autobiography entitled Mike Tyson Tried To Kill My Daddy.  You get the picture.  Now apparently the brotha is back with the Obama sneaker.  These joints would be guaranteed to get you laughed out of your borough.  On his popular YouTube series, hip-hop personality Ed Lover ridiculed the shoe and even brought in Wu-Tang member Ghostface Killah to comment on these patent leather Air Debacles.  Mitch apparently felt some kind of way about it.  Actually, he saw fit to make not one but two videos.  Be prepared for absolute lunacy.

Commentary Unnecessary: Katt Williams’ Mugshot

Okay, for 2010, can we all commit to following the principle that the male perm is not a jail-friendly hairstyle?  If you have one, just stay out of jail.  Nobody wants to see you looking like Thing 1 and Thing 2 from the Dr. Suess books.  Speaking of which, how long is James Brown’s rap sheet?  Is DMX trying to break his record?  Messin’ with them white girls, I guess…or that white girl (*cocaine*).

James looks like he's fresh off a performance...not the worst thing I've ever seen.

This right here? This IS the worst thing I've ever seen. James looks like Darnell's mama from up the block with the full 5:00 shadow who chain-smokes Virginia Slims on her porch all day.

Um...Buffalo Soldier?

Why Women Love CW’s The Game

One of the unspoken rules of TV is that women watch shows that are a glossed-over version of real life while men prefer to watch things that have nothing to do with them personally at all (broke and hetero while watching Entourage and horribly out of shape while watching Sportscenter).  CW’s series The Game managed to blend the sista-friendly aesthetic of Girlfriends with the man-attracting element of sports thrown in to flesh out the audience to include both genders.  Despite the football element, though, this show is 100% for women. 

 It was kinda funny watching all of the outrage and speculation when The CW took the series The Game off of the air.  Given the similar abrupt ending of Girlfriends not too long ago, it seems like The CW is just asking for Al Sharpton to show up and tell them that Tyra and the little rented Black boy on 90210 aren’t enough to make the network’s quota for Black TVcharacters (Yeah, Tyra’s a character).  It was recently announced that BET will actually be picking up the fourth season of the show, however, so looks like some people will have to pull the stick out of their a**es and actually watch BET.

There are a number of reasons why the show is so popular with Black women, but my theory is that it all centers around the main character, Derwin Davis (played by a dude named Pooch Hall), a goofy, church-boy type too whipped to even know it.  This dude either has a terrible memory or Tia Mowry’s character has got some good stuff.  Mowry’s character Melanie has publicly sh*tted on Davis on more than one occasion, from having lunch with one of his rivals and it ending up in the paper to crawling in bed naked with his friend and teammate Malik as an ill-conceived ”get-back” plan, among other slights that only a guy and his ego could really point out.  Malik turns her down for the cookies, but it’s the principle, yall.  And sure…so dude messed with a R&B singer named Drew Sidora (I just found out this is a real person and allegedly an actual R&B singer)…your boy should never be able to say he saw your wife-to-be naked…period.

Melanie ("Med School") & Tasha (Queen B*tch)

I understand that the storyline is supposed to reflect the ups and downs of a normal relationship, but to me it seems like what not to do…ever.  Never have your girl put Johns Hopkins on hold to chase your unpredictable football career.  It will be lorded over you at every turn (forgot to take the trash out? N***a I gave up Johns Hopkins).  Not to mention that women can come and go (even ones you at one point deem wifeable), but your pride is there for life, so take care of it.  If your boo makes a move on your boy (I don’t care if you blame it on get-back, alcohol, huffing glue, rufies, or what), she’s got to pack her sh*t.  Here’s to next season and hoping Derwin finally grows a pair.

Other Reasons Why Women Love The Game

1. Kelly Pitts – Skinny, attractive blonde chick married to a Black man…usually a kiss of death for a Black show, but works here and I’ll tell you why.  For one, she’s no plain Jane milquetoast type…no one wants to get caught in the “you’re just a hater” dragnet by talking down on her…posesses that “well, if you’re gonna cross over” factor (“that stringy-haired b*tch…has on some cute shoes”).  Second, she’s a little ditzy but not enough to be annoying and is regularly getting bossed around (literally) and belittled by Wendy Raquel Robinson’s character, tasha Mack (who becomes her actual boss on the show).  The right amount of verbal abuse balances it all out…she’s the white girlfriend most sistas wish they had when they watch Sex & The City too many times in succession.
   

   Kelly shows her ass (one inch from literally) while hubby watches...what part of The Game is that?

2. Jason Pitts – Sistas hate to see a brotha with a white girl.  It’s only made less irritating and almost gratifying when that brotha seems to be the embodiment of evil.  Pitts is portrayed as comically cheap, unappreciative of his wife, and chauvinistic, granting him the she-can-have-him factor.  It’s a sista’s nightmare to be married to a pro football player that doesn’t throw away batteries until they’ve been in the refrigerator 3 or 4 times…all Gucci/Pucci/Prada dreams get shattered into a million pieces.
3. Tasha Mack – Easily the funniest character on the show and reps Richmond CA (what up) but basically represents everything white women fear about Black women…brash, no-nonsense and willing to go upside that head.  She’s what you wish you were or had the balls to be in most situations, which is why the sistas love to root for her on the show.

TV Gold: College Hill

 

I’m already bracing myself for the hate mail, but punks jump up to get beat down, so type away. 

To be honest, I didn’t watch all of the seasons of College Hill and never took an interest until the Virgin Islands episode where homegirl from the V.I. got beat with a espadrille (!) in her own hood by the hungry-looking girl from LA (that’s west coast for you).  the latest season, filmed in the all-too-conducive-to-higher-learning South Beach, has me in love with this show, purely for its ridiculousness and coming to the grim realization that if I was still at Howard back-slidin’, I would have known someone just like every one of these people. 

Quite simply: Black folks that don’t know each other can’t live together anywhere aside from a dorm, and especially not seven-deep when no one has rent to worry about.  I thought it was just n***alicious that an entire episode of the show was basically The Mystery of the Stolen Ribs.    I was glued to the screen.  As much as people would like to front, you woulda jumped in somebody’s a** too for the same offense…I was hungry the whole time I was watching it.  You gotta at least give them credit for including some kind of positivity, though, since college is about mastering the work-life balance.  The cast visited a museum in Key West showcasing the findings of a crashed slave ship and also gave up a trip out of the country in favor of helping a single mother of two to get back on her feet, providing her with a new fully-furnished apartment.  All this was interspersed with fights (somebody even got mushed, which I loved, and let it slide), flirting, girl-on-girl attraction, and the ongoing antics of Kyle, the most effeminate Black male on TV today (can’t ever really touch the brotha from Revenge of the Nerds or dude from Mannequin) next to Miss Jay from America’s Next Top Model.

That's what I call TV. Crackin' books and throwin' 'bows...the best of both worlds.

Some would like to claim that their Black college experience was 100% enlightenment and positivity like Cornel West was your freshman roommate or some sh*t, but here at The Shaka Shaw Show, we keep it 100% greazy, as I have stated before, so f**k that.  My HBCU experience was roughly 80% ignorance.  Besides that, there was about 10% enlightenment and the other 15% (thanks for the math skills, Dr. Goodlet…took this man’s class twice and had to withdraw both times because I don’t speak or understand patois) was spent in the A building trying to get registered and validated.  Be for real.  You mean to tell me you never got stupid drunk at a club or party during college?  Really?  You never had a beat-a-n***a-with-a-shoe moment?  Either you didn’t attend an HBCU or I didn’t know your lame a**.  Everybody knows college is a time for youthful exuberance and outright debauchery.  The social aspect (making and learning from one’s mistakes) is all part of the college experience and it’s ridiculous for people to expect that just because the show has Black students on it, it should be held to an unrealistic standard just for the purpose of makin’ us look good to Brad & Chad.  A slave mentality if I ever heard of one.  How about we stop worrying about what “others” think about us on TV and just look at it for what it is: Black ENTERTAINMENT Television.  You want news?  There’s always CNN.  You want to watch Eyes on the Prize on a continuous loop?  I’m sure your local PBS affiliate can accomodate you.

By the way, I saw the previews this weekend for the upcoming show Tiny and Toya.  Okay, so who’s over at BET smokin’ that wet-wet?  I suppose the same virtuoso who had the idea for the most visually unappealing show they have aired to date: Keyshia Cole’s The Way It Is. 

Timeout for self-promotion:
Diggin’ the blog? Vote for me please…

American Gangster: Spencer Pratt

 

Too bad-a** to care if you think he looks like a blonde Troll doll.

"Homie, don't you dare even look over here..." Spencer (L) beat this kid (R) like an errant servant boy...on camera.

Taking the celebrity-husband role into brand new stratospheres of d*baggery, Spencer Pratt of MTV’s The Hills “fame” is known for being a d*ck 24/7.  My fiancee usually watches the show and I usually just make fun of her for being so into it, but the show caught my eye last season when Spencer handed out a well-deserved a**-whoopin’ on a guy at a bar…I was tuned in the rest of the season, needless to say.  This dude had basically called Spencer’s sister who he knew was Heidi’s (Spencer’s then-girlfriend, now wife) homegirl and told her that Spencer was at the bar flirting with the bartender (which he was, but still).  Spencer surprised me by immediately jumping in the dude’s a** like he was a prison b*tch in a decidedly non-Laguna Beach fashion.  The initial uppercut was flawlessly executed and that was followed up by multiple shots to the face.  This Orange County kid basically dished out a good old Crenshaw a**-whoopin’ on this poor kid.  Messed up his special emo’d-out Thom Yorke haircut and everything.  I’m not mad at Spence.  An American Gangster case if I ever saw one.

Additional Acts of D*Baggery:

• That “creepy flesh-colored beard” as made infamous by Joel McHale on E’s The Soup. 
• Whatever he did to Lauren Conrad to make 100,000 white girls across America hate him (Facebook Group: I Hate Spencer Pratt  - 3,854 members at time of this post).  I don’t watch the show, so I’m not 100 sure what he did (and would vicariously feel like a d*bag to actually research it) but white girls hate him like Black women hate Wesley Snipes’ preference for Asians.
• Showing his natural a** on I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! and eventually quitting the show (his charity was the American Red Cross for God’s sakes!) after Heidi has a sudden “gastric ulcer” to attend to.  How can she have a gastric ulcer?  I have never even seen her actually eat on camera.
• Apparently, Spencer Pratt is getting his rap on, in addition to Heidi’s half-a**ed attempt at becoming a autotune-assisted pop singer.  He guest-starred on one of her “songs” and even has his own track called “I’m A Celebrity” currently floating around.  This is textbook d*boxery.  Forget a bag…you need a full-on box for this guy.
• An inherent thug mentality regardless of upbringing and negative street cred: generally not giving a f*** about s***.

Party Foul: The 5 People You Hate To See In The Club

I don’t get out as much as I used to anymore, but everytime I do, I’m reminded of part of the reason why I left the club scene to begin with.  Here are five people you don’t want to meet in the club.  But they’re there every week like clockwork!

1. The Spinster - Whenever there are three or more women in a group at the club, there’s always one whose job is to do any or all of the following: watch everybody else’s purses, coats, or drinks.  She might also be the designated driver, so sometimes they can hold a lot of sway within the group.  One common quality is that they are usually irritable and always ready to go as soon as a dude thinks he’s getting in good with one of her friends (and not paying her any attention).  Commonly Found: watching her girlfriends like a hawk from the table or wall or standing in the parking lot screaming like Mother Sister at the end of Do The Right Thing: ”Nooo!  We came together, we leave together” after her friend who’s clearly about to get some.  Tip for the Fellas: Have your crew’s resident flunky on hand just in case the spinster gives you trouble.  You can sic his corny a** on her and then they’ll be two lames in a lame-a** pod, leaving you to put your mack hand down with optimum fervor.
2. The VIParasite - This could be either a man (sad) or woman (somehow even sadder), but they are known to hover around the V.I.P. area trying to play it cool enough to slip behind the rope and join the beautiful people in the V.I.P. who actually paid to be there unnoticed.  By the time all of your friends have taken a consensus and realized that nobody knows this clown/hoochie, they’ve already guzzled two glasses of champagne and cracked open one of the complimentary Red Bulls and/or Fiji waters.  This person will easily risk life and limb for a shrimp or a slice of birthday cake.  Commonly Found: Next to the kitchen door waiting to follow the shrimp or wing platter to wherever it’s going or at the bar waiting for the Moet to come out of the case.
3. Lord of the Dance -  Always a man.  Often of some obscure nationality.  Always alone.  It takes a special breed of dude to rock dolo to the club, but the Lord of the Dance knows no shame.  This dude will dance his heart out from 10pm – 3am and does not give a damn what you have to say about it.  While most dudes just get their two-step on or lean back a little somethin’, this dude is going IN, doing full-on dance moves.  It isn’t a game to him.  Don’t be surprised to see this dude break out any of the following: ragtop, Harlem shake, robot, Roger Rabbit, the Robocop, the Souljah Boy (not initially intended for grown men), etc.  Rule of thumb: as a grown man in the club, if you’re doing any type of dance move where you are in danger of spilling that $14 Cranberry & Vodka, you are doing too damn much.  Commonly Found: Surprise!  He’s right behind you, ladies, with Long Island Iced Tea breath on deck…and grindin’…and noticeably aroused…and when you look up, all of your girlfriends are giving you the “heeeell no” look since you can’t see him yet.  



4. The Most Hated DJ - This is the DJ who doesn’t give a damn about your requests or what you would reasonably expect to hear at a club at peak time on a Friday or Saturday night.  Damn that.  He’s gonna play what he wants to play and that’s it.  I’m not sure if this is out of a sense of music snobbery or just the fact that this dude may have no clue where he is, but this a**hole has no qualms about doing stuff like trying to mix Talib Kweli with Gucci Mane or waiting until peak hours at 12:3o am to put on an old school hip-hop mix that nobody really wants to hear.  He’s totally oblivious to the type of crowd, the time, venue, and other factors that a good DJ takes into account before dropping the needle.  Commonly Found: Behind the turntables dusting off a Brand Nubian record he’s about to put on as soon as the crowd reaches maximum crunk-i-tude off of ”Swag Surfin’”.
5. The Bathroom Attendant – I don’t even know if women have an equivalent to this, but the attendant in the men’s room is the worst idea ever.  So I’m supposed to feel bad about not tipping somebody whose purpose is to hand me a paper towel that I could have easily picked up myself?  Or for picking up one of those damn Starlight Mints?  N**** please.  I know a lot of club owners think this is an old-school touch, but nobody wants to have to see a dude in the bathroom whose job it is to be there before they go back to groping handfuls of a** with reckless abandon, doin’ Da Butt with amazing women this dude will unfortunately never see and guzzling Grey Goose for sport.  Just puts a damper on things when you really think about it. 

I’m sure there are hundreds more I left off, so let me know who you hate to see in the club…

Cease & Desist: The Public Do-Rag

Thinkin' of a master plan...

Cease & Desist is a segment that exposes things that need to be stopped immediately.  This has gone on long enough.

There was once a time when stocking caps and do-rags were used primarily while sleeping and more importantly, indoors.  There was also a time when sweatbands were worn while actually playing sports.   This dude (see above) apparently missed the memo.  And it’s Picture Day?  What are you saving your hairstyle for if not for Picture Day?  Better yet, what are you saving it for if not for being out in public in general?  So many questions.

I remember back in high school in Cali in the late 90s when waves were at the height of their popularity.  Mine were kickin’ for a good minute.  Basically, you would buy some Sportin’ Waves or Murray’s pomade, apply it, use a hot towel to melt it into the hair and then brush it about 137 times before tying on your do-rag for the night.  When you woke up, your waves were kickin’ but you had a crease in your forehead like somebody had been trying to give you a lobotomy with one of those plastic knives you get with McDonald’s Hotcakes.  But you didn’t wear it to school, dammit (though it wasn’t unusual for some to bring the brush with them to school and get their wave game up all during third period).  But in general, the idea was for people to actually be able to see the fruits of your labor.

Nevertheless, brothas still insist on trying to legitimize the do-rag as something to be worn in public.  Cease & desist immediately.

10 Things You Will Never Change About Your Man

I don’t think this really even needs an introduction, but basically this is a list of things that you will not change about your guy.  If he does change, then he’s a punk and probably not the type you want to be seeing. 

Guy 1: “Dude…I think your wife just left…with your son. She had luggage…”   Guy 2: “Stop being a p***y and take this a**-whoopin’ like a man!”

1. Sports - I don’t follow sports.  Just don’t care.  I do know however that a lot of men will plan a whole weekend around a televised sporting event, which sucks in my opinion, but to each his own.  When dating a man, it’s important to know what exactly his involvement level is with sports.  If he has to have ESPN on the TV to go to sleep and you’re not down, then you need to part ways.  This will not change.  You may wake up one morning and he won’t be in bed…you’ll hear voices and think he might be up to no good and find him slumped in the closet with headphones on, muttering to himself and watching highlights on his laptop at 3 am and scratching himself like the cheeseburger junkie from Menace II Society.
2. Porn - Some weak-a** sell-you-the-dream men might try and tell you they don’t watch it.  They’ll say they “prefer the real thing” (complete with his own patented come-hither face) or that they find it disgusting, if they’re real uppity.  These are lies.  If they’re on some old-timey sh*t, they might have a stash of DVDs somewhere in a James Bond-style secret compartment (Go-go-gadget smutfest).  If they’re on some ultra-advanced Cornel West sh*t, they might be smart enough to have an account with certain sites that deliver live streaming smut 100% free (yeah I know the sites, but I’m not about to sell my brothers out).  Just know that it will be ever-present and does not pose a threat to you.  Most guys look at porn more as a “wow did she really just…three guys?…now where did he come from?  And what’s in his hand?…seems like that would cause friction” type of situation than a “damn, I wish my girl looked like that” type of situation.  I mean, have you even seen Black porn?  Swamp donkeys galore…but they drop it like it’s hot and that’s what’s really important. 
   

   Dudes are still sporting these sh*ts, so apparently the metrosexual revolution was NOT televised...or at least not on ESPN.

3.  Fashion - If your dude currently buys his shoes from Journeys, has never been to a dry cleaner and wears white socks with his dress shoes, then this is not something that’s going to change.  In this day and age, men have to almost deliberately go out of their way to act like they don’t know what a well-dressed man looks like and if they have made it past 25 with the same bullsh** and happened to land a job with their slovenly self, then they’re in it for the long run.  F*ck Carson Kressley.  They never did show the guy a year after a Queer Eye makeover.  He’s probably resurrected the sweatpants they threw out with the Hot Pocket stain on the crotch and a mildew-scented pair of New Balances.  Sure, you can buy him or direct him to buy better clothes, but that doesn’t change the way he looks and feels in them.  You’re just not gonna convince a JC Penney man he needs to be spending Thomas Pink money for dress shirts.  And I used to work in wardrobe consulting.  Look at Ray J.  I don’t know what he’s making, but damn sure enough that he doesn’t need to look like a school principal on Picture Day when he puts a suit on.  Horrendous suit game. 
   

   Talkin' down on a man's mother might get you smacked with a slouch sock full of nickels.

4. His Mama – As real as you want to keep it, you just really can’t talk sh*t about a dude’s mom.  No good can come of this ever.  Parents need to be met as early in the game as possible when the relationship gets serious.  If you can’t get along with mom dukes, it’s best you kick rocks.  Now a dude won’t necessarily break up with you if you don’t get along with his mom, but it’s going to be more hassle for you in the long run.  The simple fact of the matter is that his mom is “growner than you” and therefore is always going to be exactly who she is.  The guy’s relationship with his mom is also a good indicator of who he is, so if you see that he’s way too dependent on her, make room up under your housecoat because you may have a man-baby on your hands.  Similarly, if he’s got that ill Stephen King’s Sleepwalkers relationship with his mom, you may want to move away and contemplate what about you attracts crazy incestuous cat-people.
5. Video Games – We are the Nintendo generation.  It’s the same fascination, just hairy and grown up…and in high-definition picture quality…and all over the plasma when you’re trying to watch Desperate Housewives or some such sh*t.  We love video games and will even try to make you like them as well.  I got lucky.  My fiancee perpetually gets shown who her father is in Tekken 5, yet will talk sh*t until the next time I take her up on her challenge to play again.  And then she only picks the cute female characters.  Don’t like video games?  You should probably go cruising for guys over in Amish country because you will need to pry the Wii nunchaku from our cold, dead hands.  “They shoulda never gave you n***as next-gen consoles! (i.e. Nintendo Wii, Playstation 3, etc.)”  Just expect to find his grown ass and his grown-ass friends  in the living room when you come home playing Tiger Woods on Wii with polos and sh*t on like they’re actually at the Masters.  You might even get shushed if somebody’s trying to make birdie.  This is what two TVs are for.
6. Friend Policy - Men don’t like making new friends.  If it happens on its own, great.  However, women have a tendency to set us up with other men (who may be a friend’s date or whatever) in hopes that we’ll just “hit it off” based on the fact that we’re both men.  This is why it’s important for a man to genuinely like his woman’s girlfriends.  Chances are that a chick you hate is going to attract your polar opposite or the Bizarro version of you, if you will.  So ladies, respect your man’s friend policy.  Also, note that men don’t really celebrate one another’s birthdays, so no, it would not be nice if you sent Craig a Build-A-Bear on my behalf in honor of his birthday.  I’ll be giving him half a bottle of Rose (rose-ay) and a quarter-ounce of weed and calling it a day.  Good times.
7. His Vices - Simple: If your man drinks, let him drink.  If he smokes, let him smoke.  If either bothers you, then dammit, you probably should have gotten off this train a few stops ago.  I don’t trust other men that don’t have/partake in various vices…not completely…and I’ll explain that in a later post.  A man needs to self-medicate.  Why do you think we don’t cry (as much)?  It’s hard out here for a pimp (or law abiding man…extra points if a Black man).  If a man is into weed, then let that man get lifted…you might enjoy him more that way.  Bake him up some special muffins, partake and enjoy as a couple!  Unlimited wifey points!
8. Caring – Unless you’re dating Derwin Davis from The Game’s lame a**, in general, guys don’t care.  About what?  Most things.  Specifically?  Anything that’s marketed toward women: musicals, home decor, the price of hair weave, etc.  We appreciate the finished product and listen to you talk about it, but how much of that information is really getting filed away in our brains between the cumulative synopsis of every season of the Wire and the L.A. Lakers’ (big up) record and rosters from every season ’95-’09?  To avoid headache, just expect that we do not know the difference between seafoam and turquoise.  If you’re stumped with a decision, by all means run it by us so we feel included (particularly if we’re putting in on it), but don’t expect us to pontificate on why you prefer the olfactory pleasures of bergamot over sandalwood in a custom potpourri mix.  We don’t care.  Unless you’re like me and have pollen allergies in which case you’re not f***ing with anything floral.   
   

   Exhibit A: Hobbit Feet. Beyond repair.

9. Feet – Ah, yes, the Barney Rubbles.  This doesn’t apply to me because my feet are glorious.  I always know better.  However, many guys’ feet look like they grew up running barefoot 8 miles a day from village to well for water in the mornings.  And some still insist on wearing the Air Methuselahs in the summertime and exposing these atrocities to the world.  If a man is that uncaring for his feet and you’re not willing to help the situation out yourself, it’s time to pack it up and go.  My suggestion?  The Grooming Lounge and businesses like it that are geared toward men’s grooming, so he can get a pedicure without feeling like he just put his balls in your coin-purse for safe-keeping.  However, if he gets his feet done and doesn’t like it, you’ll be right back in Bedrock again as soon as those toenails grow out long enough to cut through a tube sock.  Encourage change, but don’t force it.  Your man is not a show dog.  Unless that’s what you’re into…as long as you hit up the blog and spread the good word, dowhatchalike.
10.  Sex - We want it and we want it most if not all of the time.  If we weren’t thinking about it, we’ll still take it.  Herein lies the weakness of man.  Losing an argument with a man?  Get butt-a** nekkid and see if that doesn’t turn the tables in your favor.  He’s almost guaranteed to drop the Chris Brown act and give you a “look, I don’t wanna spend all day fighting, I’m just saying…”  The flipside to that is this: expect to be groped in passing whenever possible and appropriate (and sometimes when it’s not).  Do not expect to walk past your man naked and not get slapped on the booty or something.  Just let it happen. 

Fellas, help me out…did I miss any?

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