Happy 4th of July: Live At The BBQ

There was a brown paper bag test at this barbecue. Apron by Brooks Brothers.

In honor of 4th of July, the staff here at The Shaka Shaw Show (we like lists and we hope you do too) presents to you your Summer Survival Guide for all your cookout, fish fry, barbecue and it’s-hot-and-nobody-has-AC-so-let’s-sit-around-the-pool-and-eat-because-no-one-can-swim-or-wants-to-get-their-hair-wet festivities.

1. Assume that the host has ice - At any Black cookout or barbecue, it is pretty safe to assume that at least 4 other people have already brought giant bags of ice, so don’t be the dude with the fifth bag of ice and nothing else.  Why is ice so popular?  It’s the easiest thing to obtain, since most gas stations sell it for pretty cheap.  You can always tell the people who put more time into their outfit that day than getting something to bring to the party because they’re usually holding the bag out three feet from their body so as not to wet up their linen short-set and leather huarache sandals.
2. Lubricate - If you will be exposing certain parts of your body…forget it, lotion up on the daily.  Nobody wants to be subjected to your ashy elbows, knees, and ankles.  On the flip side of that, if you walk out of the house looking like a newborn infant because you just used a whole tub of body butter on yourself from head to toe, you need to tone it down a notch or three.
3. Fools get tossed if they reach across the barbecue grill - ..so continue to chill.  If someone is bestowed the honor of managing the grill at a Black cookout or barbecue, consider them the Captain of the Day.  There just isn’t a way around it.  The grillmaster (at least until the food is done) controls the music (“Now I said I wanna hear ‘Solid As A Rock’ again and I don’t wanna hear nothin’ else if y’all want these ribs to come out right”), the rules of any domino/spades game being played within his field of vision, and particularly the meat, so keep any suggestions your bourgie a** picked up watching the Food Network.   You don’t want them to set aside a “special” piece of BBQ chicken for you.  It’s probably been on the ground.  Buy some Wendy’s or something to hold you over until well after six (you know it started late) and never ask “how’s it comin’ with those links” unless you’re trying to contract Monte Carlo’s Revenge (it’s rare) from that burger that was set to the side especially for you.
   

   Big Mama doesn't want to hear Gucci Mane at the family reunion.

4. The old folks don’t want to hear Gucci Mane – If this is any kind of family event where there will be people over 40 present, keep the hip-hop to a minimum and put on some oldies.  “Make The Trap Aye” is not the best option to play around your folks and you don’t want to have to explain to Auntie Yvonne why one of the rappers on the song is named OJ Da Juiceman.  Then you have to explain to your mother why you know what they mean by “quarter brick, half a brick, whole brick…”, so do yourself a favor and download some Earth, Wind & Fire, youngster.  Save the Gangsta Grillz mixtapes for when you and Cousin Do-Dirty go pick up some Swisher Sweets and hot-box the car later on.  Please note that it is absolutely necessary to play the following if you are a responsible summer DJ: “Summertime” by DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince, “My Boo” by the Ghost Town DJs, “On A Sunday Afternoon” by A Lighter Shade of Brown and “Summer Madness” by Kool & The Gang.
5. Let the kids play – Grown folks…please stop interrupting your nephews’ and sons’ football games talking about your glory days in high school.  Contrary to the dream you may have sold to yourself, you can’t “teach these youngstas” anything about football.  Between 10 years of Madden games and the added hormones in Popeye’s chicken, these teenagers will put you in the hospital early.  Eventually somebody will decide to take the kid gloves off and sack you trying to play quarterback in your straw hat, wide-leg slacks and Mauri gators.  Sit your a** down somewhere.
6. Leave the light beer in your fridge next to the baba ghanoush, fancy boy - If a man decides he would like to drink light beer, that is his own decision.  Do not show up at any event with a case of light beer unless you want everyone to know you’re trying to keep your girlish figure.  Man up and live for a day or get back in the kitchen and whip up a pie, Nancy.  You might as well take the regular version of the beer and add carbonated water.  It’s almost like cheating if this is your contribution to the party.
7. “Get” your kids - In case you weren’t aware, the last time I looked over to the dance area, your daughter (who, due to the aforementioned Popeye’s hormone, has a D-cup in the 2nd grade) had Li’l Man-Man hemmed up against a tree and was giving him the business.  This is why you don’t get invited anywhere.  People love you and hate your bad-a** dirty kids.  If your kids don’t know how to act, don’t ruin everybody else’s day by bringing your little Crime Mob with you.  And bring a change of clothes should you decide to bring them…it is to be expected that someone at some point will spill Hawaiian Punch on that white shirt you thought would be smart to put on a six-year-old little boy…at a barbecue.
   

   How your kids should look if you must bring them: fresh haircuts & clean clothes. No soda for the one on the left, though...he's got that Bishop-in-Juice gleam in his eye.

8. Don’t cook anything if you’re known for a “nasty house” - Black people are picky about who cooked what, particularly (and with good reason) potato salad.  If people know your house to be the type where guests keep their jackets on the whole time they’re visiting, you use Dora the Explorer sheets for your living room curtains and all of the pillows smell like breath, you might consider others’ sensibilities and avoid cooking anything.  We want to know you picked something up (not ice) on the way to the event and that it has not been in your home in any way, shape or form.  People will generally assume the food you made in your nasty house is the food-safety and hygiene equivalent of you literally putting your foot in it.
9. Don’t invite church folk unless everyone in your family is aware off top - So we already discussed Cousin Do-Dirty and his reefer.  We also covered the over-developed fast-in-the-pants little girls on the dancefloor dropping it like it’s hot.  But you decided it might be a good idea to invite Rev. Johnston to the BBQ like you didn’t know you invited your back-slidin’ relatives or were just oblivious to the fact that Uncle Jarvis has been drunk since 10:30 am and will inevitably ask the good Rev. about that new thick-ankled girl in the choir.
10. BE ON TIME - Let’s break some bad habits in the ‘09, people.  Let’s be honest.  You know damn well the barber shop on a Saturday morning is going to be packed like a slave ship, so why not either make an appointment ahead of time or go earlier in the week?  Showing up at the exact time when the food is ready (with a bag of ice) is highly frowned upon, particularly if you plan on taking a plate home.  And if you couldn’t tear yourself away from the game or something to come, don’t ask the wife to bring you a plate back.  You will get talked about.

This doesn’t apply to me, though, so make sure I get a plate, minus the potato salad.  I don’t eat everybody’s potato salad.  Speaking of which…I watched part of this ridiculous chitlin’ circuit movie once and laughed my a** off.  Click below to watch on Youtube.  And yes, that’s Urkel.

Click here to watch a hilarious scene from this ridiculous movie.